We have been to Maui before a number of times, but that didn’t stop well-meaning acquaintances from offering all sorts of suggestions. “You should check out the volcano at dawn.” Um, that would mean getting up at 4:00am to take a bus to Haleakela (no doubt an amazing sight). I do not need to do anything that requires that I get up at 4:00am (except pee) when I am on vacation. “Have you driven the road to Hana? You just have to.” Yeah, we tried that once and it didn’t go well. We made it about a third of the way and bailed. I believe harsh words were said and the ride back may or may not have been uncharacteristically quiet.

I am blessed (on many levels) to be married to a man who likes to vacation the way I do. We like to kick back in the sun by a pool and read and listen to music and make each other laugh. And we are really good at it. Mostly we just mock one another, but we are not above observing (or eavesdropping on) our fellow sunbathers particularly if they speak loudly on cell phones.

Our agendas usually differ when naptime comes around. I like to take a post sun snooze. This is usually when Bob can knock off whatever wanderlust he has. This time around it was the beach. I suspect it had as much to do with the occupants of the beach as it did the actual beach, but Bob was mildly obsessed. I like the beach in theory and I did join him for one beautiful sunset on the beach, but I am not a big fan of sand.

Sand is a pretty standard component for a beach and then there is the salt water and the things that live in it and the inferior washroom facilities.

Beautiful yes, but sandy and sticky. Sorry, but compared to a nice clean swimming pool where I can see the bottom complete with adjustable lounge chairs twenty yards away from refrigeration and clean restrooms, well, for me the pool wins every time.

On the subject of naps, I indulged in a nap every single day. I also slept no less than 10 hours each night. Now I know the sun takes a bit out of you, but seriously I slept approximately 12 hours a day, each day, for seven days straight. I was unconscious for half of my vacation. And honestly I was pretty happy about it. So between all the sunning and sleeping there was little time for paddle boarding or surfing, though this truck claimed to be able to teach even me:

And the top of this truck’s display implied it would to teach Goose and me:

After a week of sleeping and relaxing and eating and watching of sunsets (they have one every single night) we returned tanned and rested to…. more 56° weather. It seems that unbeknownst to us spring was canceled this year. I guess we will just have to hold on to our vacation memories until summer arrives.

Bob, his mom and I just returned from a vacation to the happiest place on earth, Disney World. I might beg to differ – my happiest place on earth being the fur-covered sectional in front of the flat screen with my boyz all around – but you know, po-tae-toes – po-tah-toes.

Bob’s mom, Virginia, was unfortunately in a wheel chair due to a recent back injury. She was able to go on some rides, but we had to keep them pretty tame. What a lucky break for the world’s biggest ride weenie! I was spared the humiliation of watching Bob and his 84 year old mom hop on Space and/or Splash Mountain while I waited, holding the purses. (Almost as humiliating as asking a bunch of seven year olds to make way for me to come down the ladder at a water slide – not like that’s ever happened – cough, cough.) We rode It’s A Small World, saw the Country Bear Jamboree and enjoyed an amazing Lion King production. We saw a Finding Nemo play, watched movies about Canada and America and rode the much touted Soarin’. Soarin’ was beautiful, but that was about as much height and movement as I could handle. Did I mention that I am the world’s biggest ride weenie?

Also I met my favorite Disney character ever:

Eyore is the stuffed animal equivalent of George Clooney. I got all shy.

Goofy was a perfect gentleman. He escorted Virg back to her chair and kissed her hand.

We saw Fantasmic which as far as I can tell was a production based on some acid flashback that Mickey had.

The weather, while forecasted to be all sorts of rainy and stormy, was beautiful. We spent a good deal of time enjoying the sun and the pool as well as the hoola-hoop and cannon ball contests, while we didn’t participate in either. Apparently the people at Disney’s Wilderness Lodge Resort are ageist and only allowed children to compete. I would have protested but I was very busy sunning and we adults were clearly outnumbered.

On another note, we decided to participate in Disney’s prepaid meal plan, which sounds like a good idea before you understand it. Well really, it sounds like a good idea before it confuses you so much that you begin to pay cash for things that are probably included on the meal plan because you are too embarrassed to ask the cashier to explain it to you again. This plan, which includes snacks, quick meals and dinners, is the least user friendly system ever.  Everything that isn’t a snack includes a dessert, but appetizers aren’t included at dinner. And dessert could be a brownie or a cup of soup. If it is categorized as a snack then it is considered a dessert in quick meal terms. Yeah, I know, right? So we ended up with a bunch of uneaten desserts in our mini fridge, lest we decline any offer of food we had already paid for. We also undoubtedly left a bunch of money in Mickey’s pocket for meals that we were too confused to consume.

As with any good vacation, when Saturday rolled around and it was time to head to the airport, Bob, Virginia and I were all looking forward to getting home. I had a suntan, Disney treats for our godkids and a sincere desire to return to a non-Disney meal plan and my very own happiest place on earth.

We had heard good things about Saugatuck, Michigan and the two and a half hour drive seemed manageable for a weekend trip. Bags were packed, beach chairs were purchased and the car was loaded up for our road trip leaving Friday afternoon. About four hours into the two and half hour drive with a very cranky pilot, I the copilot, realized that I had forgotten my iPhone charger. Despite my best efforts, I grew sullen. I could live without my iPhone for one weekend; I just didn’t want to have to. And contrary to Bob’s accusation of Twitter dependence, it is just a really handy device for things like getting directions and finding points of interest. I explained all this as I tried to locate a convenient Best Buy store on his Blackberry with no luck. And just as I was moving from sullen to despondent, like  a mirage in the desert, there appeared on the horizon a giant blue sign with a big yellow tag on it: Best Buy. One charger, a bathroom break and a fine dinner at the golden arches later we were back on the road. We reached our destination literally minutes before the hotel desk closed for the evening.

Bob chose a hotel with a pool. Visions of relaxing poolside while being served refreshing cocktails danced in his head. Those visions were shattered as we left our room Saturday morning and were greeted with calls of “Marco?” and “POLO”. The pool was monopolized by goggle wearing swim wing flapping children afloat pool noodles engaged in a game in which there were clearly points for volume. “So we’ll be going to the beach, then?” I asked as we passed the chaos. He nodded.

As we took the way-cute chain ferry across the Kalamazoo River, I snapped a picture of a happy family of ducks. As I did I noticed the flashing battery indicator and immediately recognized that I had not packed the charger. The weather was not beachy on Saturday and so after some breakfast and shopping (and inquiring after camera battery chargers) we were off on our second pilgrimage to the holy land for the technology dependent. This time we went to the one in Holland, Michigan where the fake windmills prompted Bob to ask if the real ones are used for making cheese or shoes. The verdict on Michigan’s Best Buy stores: they have very helpful sales associates and clean rest rooms. The verdict on Bob: he is a bit blond, but but he’s cute.

Sunday we were determined to spend some time at the beach regardless of the weather. What began like this:

ended like this:

We relaxed, ate our weight in homemade full fat ice cream, loaded up with white chocolate covered Oreos for home and called it a weekend: an excellent weekend for us and Michigan’s economy.

In this iteration of our Alaskan vacation we spent the first few days on land or rather in buses. There was a three hour coach ride to the first resort which boasted amazing views of Mount McKinley through the clouds and cable television. My stomach and I spent the first afternoon of our vacation in bed watching a Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon. Bob and his mom attended lectures on both wolves and bears given by a very knowledgeable park ranger, Bob’s first man crush of the trip (his second was the ship’s doctor but that could have just been the antibiotics). Day two began with a coach ride to the second resort where we boarded a school bus for a five hour nature ride. The next day there was another coach ride that took us to the nine and half hour train ride to the ship. The train ride itself was beautiful with breathtaking views through the glass top roof. Between the nature ride and the train we saw moose, caribou, bears, dall sheep and a snow hare, but it was just a lot of movement. Did I mention the stomach bug?

As long last we boarded the ship (more movement) for two days of cruising at sea. The ship was on super-high sanitation alert due to a recent outbreak of “don’t touch it” virus. Apparently the previous tenants of our ship had been exposed to a gastrointestinal virus that the cruise line was determined to shield us from. To that end the passengers were accosted with sanitation solution at every turn and were not able to serve themselves at the buffets. The ship’s staff were stationed in front of the offerings and passengers were instructed to let them serve the food. Now, while at a buffet one might (read will) be inclined to serve oneself outrageous portions, one is less inclined to ask another person to do so. My pastry binge was in real danger until the third day when the ban was lifted and I didn’t have to ask someone else for the fourth piece of Danish.

Cruise traditions were honored. There was formal night where we had formal photographs taken. Sadly Bob was sitting on a cattle prod in all of the photos and I had a bad case of “man hands’ in at least one, so none were purchased. We attended a seminar on whales given by the ship’s naturalist which accidentally exposed us to the tail end of the shopping seminar (for those passengers who need some extra assistance in separating themselves from their life’s savings). We watched an ice carving demonstration, complete with color commentary and cheering for said ice carver whose name was, of all things, Cornelio.

The ship cruised into Glacier National Park where we saw massive glaciers calving (breaking off into the ocean). It was at once an astonishing and sad sight: global warming in action was a little disconcerting. We went on a whale watch and saw a mother and baby whale as well as some stellar sea lions (which is the actual name of the animal and not some valley girl adjective I came up with as Bob originally thought). In each port we went on an expedition and left a little of our disposable income behind at the tschoke stores and even got a little dog love. And in each port I was able, on my iphone, to pull up the webcam of the resort/kennel where Mike and Goose spent the week to check in on them.

As the saying goes, there is no place like home and I am glad to be here, hacking Moose flu and all. The lack of consistent fur and puppy kisses really could have been what wore down my immune system in the first place. Ten days is just a long time to be away from home, maybe too long. Oh, and judging by the mortgage sized bill from the resort/kennel with the webcam – yeah – too long.

While walking through a forest or taking a train ride through amazing scenery, I will be content, if not in heaven. Seeing moose, bears and eagles is like being on the Discovery Channel.  But later, in the buffet dining room, I will be afraid of my own kind. While at a Mother’s Day brunch I may interpret “all you can eat” to be a directive, on a seven day cruise it should only be an option. Some guests will attempt to eat an amount commensurate with their fares, while other will appear to be members of competitive eating teams on vacation.

During the day we will be entertained by otters, dolphins and, if we are lucky, whales. And although each port of call has the same tchotchkes as the last, I do love me some tchotchke shopping. It is the evening entertainment that is risky. The comedians I have found to be reasonably good; not Second City but not bad. The other forms of “entertainment” are, well, not exactly my cup of tea. Sitting through “Fifties Night” in a bar doing a group rendition of the “Mashed Potato”, I may sprain my eyes from all the rolling. And I will most certainly take to my cabin at the first mention of karaoke or any other singing competition. People, I don’t drink. These are not activities for the clear of mind.

This cruise will take me to beautiful places, but it will also take me to snarky places. Bob and his mother, my traveling companions, are not snarky people, so I will be alone with my jaded thoughts at times. I will try my best not bring them down with my sarcastic observations.

So with that we will don our matching track suits (really?) and set off to see Russia from our cruise ship. Wish me luck and a modicum of self control.

As time went on, and we became “house poor”, Hawaii moved out of our budget, but we have taken a warm spring vacation every spring for the last ten years. Sometimes it was a long weekend in Vegas and last year it was a week in Scottsdale. This year we are skipping our annual spring break. It just isn’t in the budget and while we could just go deeper in debt, which would be totally like us, we decided to be grown ups and take a pass.

And the universe has rewarded us by giving us a never-ending winter. OK, so our credit score isn’t at risk, great. My sanity is every time it snows again (like yesterday) or the temperature dips below freezing. I am really trying to be a big girl here, but the fact that the weather won’t give me a break is making it very difficult.

This is all Bob’s fault, as I may have mentioned. Before I met him I was lucky if I could finagle a Friday business trip to a warmer state where I could sleep on a friend’s couch for the weekend. He ruined me for so many things. Now I can’t sit in the cheap seats at the United Center and I take for granted that he has “a guy” at every event in the city of Chicago who can hook us up should we need hooking up. In an effort to impress me while we were dating and beyond, Bob created a monster. And because no good deed goes unpunished, I am now holding him accountable for my dangerously low vitamin D levels and whatever psychosis arises from my exposure to cold and gray weather.

To be completely truthful we are going on vacation. We are taking our second Alaskan cruise with Bob’s mom in May. It should be an amazing trip and we are fortunate to have the opportunity. But (said the spoiled brat) allow me to express my feeling about the irony of a trip to Alaska (where it is cold) after one of the coldest and longest winters that I can remember. Or maybe it only seems extra cold and extra long because I have no reason to buy suntan lotion in April this year.