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Camel Toe Sausage Casing

March 12th, 2012 · 3 Comments · Venting

Apparently I am uncomfortable with any level of positive self esteem in my life. I began the past two weekends feeling pretty good about myself, but quickly rectified that by going swimsuit shopping one Sunday and then shopping for jeans the next. Both were ill conceived outings I will concede, but I have been working out and eating right and some of my clothes are even a little loose. Clearly I got a little ahead of myself. Unless you got just got voted off Survivor Island on day 32, you should know that neither task will be a pleasant experience, but I got cocky. I thought I could take it.

Bob and I went to Swim & Sport last weekend so that I could shop for a bathing suit for our spring vacation and since I was having a reasonably high self esteem day, I was up for it. It was actually my idea. After what I can only describe as a traumatic experience, I have some suggestions for swimsuit retailers:

1) Invest in mirrors and lighting that are actually flattering. They don’t have to represent reality. I think most women would be amenable to a little positive distortion and it might sell more suits.

2) Discourage 18 year old sales associates from offering unsolicited recommendations of skirt bottoms, particularly as they talk about eating a Cinnabon for lunch.

3) Tissues in the fitting room. There will be weeping and without them I could only dry my eyes on all the ill-fitting swimsuits.

4) Have representatives from Nutri-System on staff. Some of us have time yet before we hit the beach and might benefit from this type of meal plan.

5) Also invite representatives from the local fitness club to hang out – they could easily sign up a couple of sad chubby ladies a day.

By midweek I had bounced back from the humiliation. By Sunday I had completely forgotten my shame. Yesterday I decided to see if I could find a cute pair of white jeans. What I found was a whole bunch of white jean-like pants that were designed for your average Olsen twin. Every pair I tried on was unbelievably tight, but not in a”grab me the next size” way; more like a “I can clearly see the pocket fabric, I have camel toe and the circulation in my legs has been cut off” kind of way. I wasn’t delusional enough to actually select “skinny” jeans, but they all appeared to be rather skinny, if you ask me. To add insult to injury most were so narrow at the ankle that I had to jump around the fitting room to pull them off my feet. Needless to say no white jeans were purchased, but the term “camel toe sausage casing” was coined for future use.

Luckily I have some time before we go on vacation and I am choosing to consider both of these incidents motivation. Just more exercise, more healthy eating and tempered level of self esteem and I should be all set by the time we go, as long as I keep away from the mall.

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3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Allan Bristow // Mar 17, 2012 at 3:01 am

    As usual, I enjoy your blogs. Keep them coming.
    Hope are is well wih you and everyone there.
    Best wishes. Allan

  • 2 Nancy // Mar 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Here’s my vacation solution: SKIRTS! or even SKORTS. Or lovely loose fittting sundresses.

    “Skinny white jeans” is a misnomer. Why take something like your ass and legs and cover them with WHITE fabric? Black is slimming. White is . . . elephantizing. I know that is not a real word. But you know what I mean. And don’t get me started on my rant about ads in catalogues that describe pant after pant style that “sits below the waist.” WHY? Don’t you know it’s called a WAISTband? Not a “hanging off my ass band.” Geez.

  • 3 Pattie // May 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Love the comments.

    But where are you? I need another post soon!

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