DIANA REPUBLIC

I attended college a while ago; a long while ago. But I never got my bachelor’s degree. Shocking, I know. But it is the age old story: I ran out of money. OK, I sort of misspent some of my money. My grandmother, who had been paying for my education, passed away and the little nest egg she left was seriously diminished by the time I should have graduated. Probably not a good idea to leave a twenty one year old in charge of her own nest egg when she has never had enough money to buy Guess jeans before. I may have had five or more pairs, none of which looked particularly good on me; they were too short – with zippered ankles – and amplified my distinct lack of ass. It was the first time in my young life that I could afford clothing that was currently in style and I was going to enjoy it regardless of how unflattering it was. That is, until all my friends graduated.

I can’t say that my lack of degree held me back in my career advancement very often. There was one company, twenty years ago, that I distinctly remember wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t have a degree. I figuratively flipped them off and moved on. I advanced on a schedule that worked for me. I was qualified in other ways. I had licenses and experience to distract interviewers. I spoke quickly and used SAT words. I even managed to talk myself into a job at a firm that was founded by a Yale finance professor.

I figured midway into my thirties that if I hadn’t needed a bachelor’s degree by then, I was probably in Schaefer City. My measly little associate’s degree had gotten my bills paid so far. I apparently miscalculated. Damn!

Now that my securities licenses have expired and my last stint in the corporate world was about ten years ago, no amount of fast talking and shadow puppets seems to be getting me in the door. It doesn’t matter how extensive your vocabulary is if no one hears it. There is literally nothing in my bag of tricks to distract potential employers from the fact that I don’t have a bachelor’s degree. I have been foiled. I foiled myself. Excuse me. Certainly there are positions that don’t require a degree, but there are many more that do and in this despicable excuse for a job market, one can’t afford to have any kind of black mark on one’s resume.

So it is with a twinge of regret that I registered to be a Student-at-Large at a local university. After months, literally months, of waiting my soon to be alma mater decided what hoops they would like me to jump through to complete my course of study. Now I just have to convince the local university that I am qualified to jump through their versions of those hoops. All so I can finish something that I began 28 years ago. I think that might qualify me for the Olympics of Procrastination.

I will be heading back to campus this fall. If I study hard and do all my assignments on time I could finally graduate at 47 and potential employers will have one less reason to reject me. Speaking of rejection, I should probably avoid the urge to shop for the jeans the kids are wearing these day, huh?