DIANA REPUBLIC

This time of year is filled with contradictions for me.

I love the holidays in theory. Each year I decorate and make holiday plans and shop like everyone else, but there is an underlying angst that won’t dissipate. I love the idea of Christmas and finding the perfect gifts for my family. The music and the cheer are nothing if not uplifting. I actually enjoy the wrapping of the gifts and putting hints on the tags the way my mother used to.

Both my mother and the grandmother who helped raise me passed away on or around the Christmas holiday. These life-altering events are difficult enough to deal with, but when they occur during the “happiest time of the year” it knocks the jingle right out of your bells. Time has passed and the wounds aren’t as raw as they once were, but they haven’t healed. I have accepted that they never will completely. The really no such thing as “closure” when it comes to the loss of a loved one.

Each year I attempt to embace the Yuletide-ness, but my inner sad catches up with me in some chaotic ways. Some years Christmas sneaks up on me and is over before I have even had a chance to try to enjoy it. Other years I have collected gifts for my far-flung family, but have not managed to send them on time or at all.  My friends are no longer surprised to receive cards bearing New Year wishes due to my holiday procrastination. I tend to feel overwhelmed from Thanksgiving to New Year’s every year.

Meanwhile I live with one of Santa’s honorary elves. Bob is a Christmas fanatic. He can’t wait for the easy listening station to change over to all-Christmas-music all the time. We own more than a dozen Christmas movies as well as the Honeymooner’s Christmas special, each of which he tries to watch during the holiday season. If he had the time or the patience, Bob would gladly give Clark Griswold a run for his Christmas decorating money.

Since the universe (or the retailers)  are unlikely to reduce the frequency of Christmas to accomodate my issues ( although I know for a fact that I am not alone in my desire to celebrate maybe once every other year), Bob and I have created our own Christmas traditions. And I do my best to forgive myself for my holiday handicaps. So what if my family receives very extravagant Easter gifts wrapped in red and green.