DIANA REPUBLIC

Our dogs have issues. I mean, really, could they be my dogs without them? If they were Bob’s and Bob’s alone they would probably be totally well adjusted, but throw me in the mix and there is like a reverse magnetic reaction and everything goes a little wonky.

Case in point: Mike the yellow lab, a friendly docile breed, no? Yeah, no. He apparently missed that day in lab school. He is the Labrador American version of Cujo, but only when he is on his leash. And only to other dogs who he could swallow whole or who could kick his ass with one paw tied behind their back. It is usually at the vet’s office or on walks where we are treated to this behavioral anomaly. And I can joke my way out of his menacing growl when it is directed at a Mastiff – “Really, Mike? You want to go there?” But when he goes all mean-ass-guard-dog on a Yorkshire terrier puppy, I am at a loss.

As it turns out, however, Mike is not a mean dog. He actually plays well with other dogs when he is off-leash. We think that is has more to do with protecting Bob and me from the dangers of miniature dachshunds and Great Danes.

Goose on the other hand is trying to live up to his name and honks incessantly at everything. It is unnerving. And he is relentless. Our neighbors, the workmen, our neighbor’s workmen, the kids on the trampoline down the block: anything can set him off. Being a canine of smaller stature (because he is NOT a litte dog) he has a less dignified bark as well. It is not actually a yap, but it is way too close for me.

Lastly both of these beasts are determined to be the next sled dogs for the Midwestern Iditarod, should one ever be held. They will choke themselves horse as they drag us down the street, making walks a pleasure for all (if by pleasure you mean sore rotator cuffs and leash burned hands). Oh and did I mention that Goose barks at people and Mike growls at dogs? Yeah, there are a bunch of both of those on walks too.

Bob and I are of the school that there are no bad dogs, just lazy owners and to that end we have enlisted the help of a trainer. We have purchased harnesses at her suggestion that reduce the ability and inclination to dislocate the leash holder’s arm. We are also trying to employ training techniques to discourage their bad behavior. It seems we are to distract the dogs from the object of their anxiety and reward then with hot dogs and other treats for any good behavior.

We have had a couple of somewhat successful walks so far, but as with any training exercise, repetition is the key. The really important part of the training is to break them both of their respective aggressive behavior. The leash pulling should go away too, but if we haven’t kicked that by the first snowfall then I say we just buy a sled. After which we can reward ourselves with hot dogs and other treats. Why should the dogs get all the good stuff?

Luckily this whole process isn’t at all exasperating: